Hi Friends! It sure has been a while since we have seen each other. In fact, not only did Lexi have her bachelorette party, she up and went got married! Oh, and what a beautiful and wonderful ceremony it was (much love to L+Z)!

So yeah, this post might be a little late (almost a year), but now instead of giving Lexi a naughty gift for the bachelorette party, I can give her an inappropriate 1 year anniversary gift! YAY FRIENDSHIP!

AND YAY NIPPLE PASTIES WITH TASSELS! These are not only easy to make, but also super fun! Below are instructions for one way to make these little gems.

supplies

Pasties or some kind of nipple cover. I found these petals at a Walgreens
fringe to make tassel (dip dyed if possible)
glue gun + glue sticks
scissors
googly eyes
sequins
rhinestones

10 times . . .  OR MORE! — 10 times . . . OR MORE!

instructions

1. All Tied Up

To make your tassel, start by measuring how thick you want you tassel to be and trim. I decided to make mine about 7 rows wide. When ready to roll, leave 2 strands free to create the loop. Once rolled, use the string from the loop to wrap around and secure with a simple knot.

2. Nipple Bling

Now that you have a super erotic tassel, time to decorate the areola! Mark the center of your pastie and sew your freshly made tassel in place. While the hot glue gun warms up, think about the design and make sure all items needed are near by. Feel free to get even freakier with your LEWK!

Obvi, sequins need to be included. OBVI! These gold sequins give me life, so I decided to use them around the border. I little drop of hot glue and and we were on to the next step!

Googly eyes are great. Not only are they super cute and versatile (endless possibilities!), but they are also a little perverse and voyeuristic in this application. I love it. Larger Eyes are placed at each "petal" while smaller eyes are placed in a straight line which leads to the erotic center.

Fill in any empty spaces with rhinestones in whichever color palette you prefer. For the final touch, glue a red stone to the center to cover the thread holding the tassel to the pastie. And there you have it, your very own totally erotic and super bitching nipple pastie with tassels! go on with you bad self and do with them whatever feels natural to you. I hope Lexi likes them too, just need to get around to giving them to her :)

Hi friends/fellow crafters! Isn’t Lexi the best? I sure think so. You know what else is the best? Cucumber sammies. What was originally meant to be super thin layers of white bread with slivers of cucumber enjoyed during civilized tea time, has become a staple during afternoon lounges drowned in prosecco and Gina Gershon. “Are you doing you homewoooorrrrrrk?, a classic line from the instant lifetime treasure known as House of Versace.

Now, I know that Lexi loves a good Sammie, but I also know she loves a good crudité. And it just so happens that she also loves a good Kale salad. If only there was a way to combine them all into a delicious afternoon spread? If only I could find a way to do cucumber sammies more than one way? Like, what if . . . WHAT IF . . . what if we did them THREE WAY!!! Well, that is just what I am gonna do! See below to do it with me!

*editor’s note - Sometimes, while crafting or working on a recipe, I am on point – some might even say on fleek. And sometimes, well, not so much. For the cucumber sammies do as I say and not as I do. I hope you enjoy!

*editor’s note – yes, I am intentionally writing three way in lieu of three ways. Deal with it.

Ingredients

for all the ways

1-2 Cucumbers - minced
6 oz Greek Yogurt (or small package)
4 oz Cream Cheese
1-2 cloves Garlic (never mind the shallots you see in the images) - minced
1 tbsp. dried dill (or fresh!)
1 tbsp. dried chives (or fresh to death!)
1 tsp onion powder
S&P – about 1 tsp each

for one way – aka your favorite crudité vegetables

1-3 Rainbow carrots - julienned
1-2 stalks of celery - julienned
1-2 peppers of your choice - julienned
Leftover crust from two way
Olive oil
S&P

for two way – aka the sammie

1 cucumber - super thin sliced
Your favorite sliced bread

for three way – aka your favorite kale salad

Kale
Leftover crust from two way
Olive oil
S&P

Instructions

1. Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum . . . BASE!

In a mixing bowl, pre-mix your herbs and spices (dill, chive, onion powder, S&P). Add one small 6 oz. (or 5.3 oz because that makes sense?!?!) package of greek yogurt (I used non-fat but you do you) and 4 oz. of cream cheese. Mix together until smooth

*it helps if cream cheese is at room temperature

*also, halfway through I wished I had used a food processor but then there would have been more clean up so meh

Remember the editor’s note about do as I say, not as I do? Well it comes into play here.

Cut your washed cucumber in half and scrape out the seeds with a spoon. Cut the halved cucumbers lengthwise into 6- 8 pieces. Finely mince the strips and add to bowl. Add finely minced garlic and mix well. Divide into three for all the ways

*In retrospect I wish I had minced the cucumber per my directions instead of doing the rough chop pictured. It would have created more of a spread instead of “cucumber salsa thing” - - -oohhhh, not a bad idea!

* Also in retrospect, I wish I had added the garlic per directions in lieu of the shallots. Garlic and dill divine together; not to mention that with chives and onion powder there was really no need for shallots. What was I thinking?!?!

2. One Way Crudite

The easiest of all the ways! Julienne your favorite vegetables and display beautifully with 1/3 of your Sammie Base. I used rainbow carrots because they are just so pretty. To add some carbs (and not waste food) take the scraps from the two way and (lightly coated in olive oil) bake them for 5-10 min @ 375 in the oven.

2. Two Way Samm-ay

Thinly slice the remaining cucumber until they are as transparent as . . idk, something clear? Evenly spread 1/3 of the base mixture on 6 slices of bread and add 4 slices of cucumber on each sandwich. Keep in mind that we are trimming the crust off, so place them as efficiently as possible :) Join the bread slices together, trim off the crust (save it!) and cut into 4 beautiful Sammies. Arrange beautifully on a plate because that is just what you do.

cucumbers are the best things since sliced bread. wait, what?

3. Three Way - kale-ay!

Whisk remaining base mixture with 1-2 tbsp of EVOO to make dressing. Strip cleaned Kale from stem and chop into bite size pieces. Cut leftover crusts from two way into crouton sized cubes. Lightly oil and bake for 5-10 minutes @ 375 in the oven. Mix all together into a beautiful creamy sammie salad.